the lamppost

Work and working and doing things you (don't) love.

I wrote the following paragraphs for this essay during class as a flow of consciousness. I have done some editing to make it more readable.

After yesterdays slight marathon of work (I usually don't work for that long on one thing), I have had thoughts about what I am really doing. The thing is, I am taking a course in signals & systems because I think it will be relevant for me in terms of looking at audio software development. Also I do like learning math, and signals & systems use a lot of calculus, linear algebra etc., so it stimulates the brain nicely I guess. So, my goal in a way from university - of course - is educating myself and prepping myself for a job market or more universities.

The first one is quite simple and is the best motivator I have I think. That is because I quite enjoy learning new things, trying other hobbies and things. I have always done that in a way, and of course there are things that stand out. For example, here in uni I found that I am quite fond of Anthropology. Having taken two courses in it I feel like it really defined a perspective I have on life, which is of discussion and understanding. This brings me to conclude kinda abruptly that I like learning.

The next thing is the idea that was brought to me by my family. That is the thought of needing to educate yourself (if you’re able), so you can earn a living and live a good life. This outlook is almost exclusively (beside the above paragraph) responsible for my choices in my education path. Of course, I chose a liberal arts university, meaning I had some choices for what exactly I would learn and thank god I did. It allowed me to find what I like and what I don’t. As a kid I thought I would never like having a 9-5 job that pays well, I thought I would be making music or something artistic or related to content creation maybe. Now I see that I would love to work somewhere 9-5, as long as my values and interests align. See, this is the core of the problem: my interests change too quickly and too often. At least that's I what I have observed so far. Last year I pivoted to Computer Science quite hardcore, and now I am going to graduate with a “major” in Computer Science and Electronics. But the fact is that what I learned was, besides the point but, not that much, and I really don’t care too much for finding a “good” job. I have looked into getting jobs and the reality is that I would not want to work anywhere for longer than maybe a year. Then the question remains, where would I want to work?

Well let me try to explain. I am confident that I am a creative person. Most of my enjoyment in life has come from doing something creative. Whether that is producing a song, figuring out a skate line, drawing, writing or even solving problems in math or computer science. If I am working on something out of passion and not a superficial, floating in the abyss ‘obligation’, it will definitely be to provide something for myself in the field of creativity. Now, for some examples:

The last example kinda touches on the ache I have. I have learned this view of I need to have work, so I can have time to work on the things I love. I’ve had the thought of I just need a simple job that gives me enough income to do what I love. I feel like that wouldn’t be too much right? But then you have the other world of people shouting that you need to do whatever you can to work on the things you love. Try to make them your main source of income. But there I am, really scared actually. I tried it once you know. In this blog in the about page I have a link to mine and my brother’s band pluggers.1 We really tried to make it into a thing that we might even earn something on, and the pressure there was so not aligned with me that it kinda broke my enjoyment of making music. It felt like we were doing it to gain something, rather than to just enjoy ourselves. And of course we didn’t really. It was just how it felt to me. Maybe my brothers persistence in putting pressure also didn’t help. I think he could handle it, I couldn’t. So, yeah. This could be one of the bigger reasons for why I have lost faith in my creative endeavors. That experience led me to not really enjoy music or the act of making it, at the very least I didn’t crave it, want it. So, I distanced myself. Landing on things that are vaguely connected. One funny example is actually my interest in making games. I honestly am mostly just interested in making a story that has sound and music. But a game seems like the perfect medium in a way.

Another thing that should be discussed: me loving teaching. Throughout my life I have also found myself enjoying teaching people the things I know. I have done it with skating, some programming concepts, math, music production, a little bit of guitar, skiing, basketball, some concept in anthropology, a game etc. I like teaching people things I know and I think I am quite good at it. I should probably do it more. So, like half a year ago or so, I came up with an idea for a ‘life plan’, if I might call it that. I was to establish a ‘small pseudo library’, where I would have resources for anyone to learn anything that I know. So, I would hold workshops on this and that, maybe start a small music label and art show in parallel, to shine a light on the local magic of art. Hold short film contests or something. That sounds like such a great time I think. Problem is, how do I begin? I don’t know. Probably start organizing something small in that spirit from those ideas. Anyways, this post is not about that.

The point of this ramble was to examine how I feel about work. I am very close to finishing university, so I have thought about this a lot. I enjoy coding, and doing math and things related to possible job markets, but I don’t think I enjoy them because of the work I could do. I enjoy working on them knowing that I could use these skills in a context that pleases me, creatively that is. I can somewhat conclude that it is time I stop being afraid of doing something different. It is time I check in with myself and just follow my gut.

  1. Currently still on spotify, yuck. Please read some of the writing of Liz Pelly.↩

#essays